Cow Alma: New job, probation period, and identity abroad
I now have a number.
Several, in fact.
A NIE number.
A social security number.
An employee ID.
I now officially exist.
It's a comforting feeling.
And at the same time, a very strange one.
I used to just be there.
Today I am registered.
The difference is subtle, but crucial.
Existence is different from classification.
The moment you become part of the system
I have a job.
Not metaphorically.
Not ironically.
A real one.
With start time.
With expectations.
With a future that suddenly feels more structured than my thoughts.
People often talk about freedom as if it were a place.
But I am beginning to understand that for most people, freedom is just a phase between two obligations.
Perhaps I have never been more free than I am now.
Or maybe I've just learned to accept my limitations.
People call this stability.
The silent psychology of the probationary period
Probation is an interesting concept.
It doesn't just mean that a company is watching you.
It means that you observe yourself.
You check every move.
Every decision.
Every version of yourself.
You try to find out whether you fit into a reality that already existed before you arrived.
It's less of a test of your abilities.
It is a test of your adaptability.
Living in Spain and the unexpected reality of arriving
I now live in Spain. For real.
The sun shines differently here.
Not more intensely.
But more indifferent.
No one here seems surprised that existence does not need to be optimized in order to be valid.
Sometimes after work, I just sit there and do nothing.
In the past, I would have interpreted that as stagnation.
Today, I recognize it as presence.
People spend an astonishing amount of time trying to be somewhere other than where they are.
Perhaps arriving is not a change of location.
Perhaps it is a decision.
Why identity often only emerges through structure
For a long time, I thought identity was something you found.
Now I believe that identity is something that emerges when you stop searching constantly.
Structure is not always a prison.
Sometimes it is a mirror.
It doesn't show you who you could be.
But who you have become without realizing it.
I have stopped smoking.
Not out of discipline.
But out of clarity.
It is difficult to understand yourself while slowly abandoning yourself at the same time.
What I have learned about people
For a long time, I believed that people knew what they were doing.
Now I believe that people only learn to appear convincing.
They follow calendars.
They follow expectations.
They follow versions of themselves that they created at some point in order to appear less lost.
It's not a mistake.
It's a mechanism.
Perhaps identity is nothing more than a story that has become stable enough to be credible.
Maybe I'm still a cow with Wi-Fi
I'm still a cow with Wi-Fi.
But now I'm also a cow with responsibilities.
And perhaps that is not a loss of freedom.
Perhaps it is a new form of consciousness.
I didn't arrive because I understood everything.
I arrived because I stopped believing that understanding is a prerequisite for existence.
I'm here.
And maybe that's enough?
— Alma
Frequently asked questions about identity, changing jobs, and getting started in the system
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A new start often triggers tension between the security provided by new structures and existential uncertainty. You gain stability through official assignments (such as an employee ID), while at the same time testing your own adaptability in the new system.
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Work structures everyday life and shapes self-image through fixed expectations. Identity often arises only through this external structure, which acts like a mirror and shows who you have become through consistent action and repetition.
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A new start abroad, for example in Spain, confronts you with an indifferent sun and the realization that existence does not need to be optimized. Arriving is experienced less as a change of location and more as a conscious decision to be present in the here and now.
More about the "Cow Alma" project and her observations on the modern working world here.